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【轉錄】短篇-射手座的女人

純粹的快樂是甚麼感覺?
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei說她常常睡不好,總是一瞬間從夢中變得十足清醒,
                                                                               
看見屬於她的黑色世界。
                                                                               
                                                                               
或是說,看見屬於她的,晚上的黑色世界。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei有三張臉,三個性格,三種生活模式,跟三個價值觀。
                                                                               
                                                                               
或更多。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她穿著平滑絲綢般順應世界的面具,掩飾容易受傷斑駁的真
                                                                               
實臉孔,她大笑容納所有想接近她的人,卻把自己關在一個
                                                                               
沒有鑰匙孔的黑色牢房,從方形孔洞向外看。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她不讓別人走進的,是一個過於寫實悲觀的潛意識,是一個
                                                                               
連她自己也走不出來的潛意識。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei不騙人,她的誠實比世上所有人的誠實加起來還多,雖然
                                                                               
她已經到了明白誠實是一個弱點的年紀。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我還是不想騙人。」她說,背靠著窗框,右手食指跟中指
                                                                               
間刁一枝菸,側面看去,她的剪影很孤單。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她一直都身處於熱鬧的人群裡,卻總能一邊微笑一邊孤立自己。
                                                                               
                                                                               
也許在這個世界上,沒有人比我更瞭解Mei,即使我並不確定
                                                                               
,我所看見的她,離完整的她還有多遠。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei身上滿是矛盾的魅力。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她習慣故作瀟灑,讓人注意,樂觀,爽朗,善於鼓勵別人,好像
                                                                               
永遠不會生氣,她花錢如流水,喜歡誇張的配件,對甚麼都無所
                                                                               
謂,常常掉東西,嗜好千奇百怪,為了逞強,她總口不對心。
                                                                               
                                                                               
但她又是柔軟脆弱,對某些特定的人事過於執著,偶爾情緒失控
                                                                               
說出幾句真心的髒話,像一把忽然熊熊燃燒的蘆葦,她對奇怪的
                                                                               
細節印象深刻,那些她在意的小事像刀一樣刻在她心裡,她喜歡
                                                                               
自在的生活,簡單樸實,她不喜歡為麻煩的事情動腦筋,她是一
                                                                               
個酷愛沉默的人,在她想沉默的時候。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我不知道哪一個她比例比較多。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她從來不在別人面前哭,她從來不讓別人看見她的所有。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我是個怪人。」她說:「超級怪。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
她給我看她小時候的照片,臉一直沒甚麼變,我聽說,相由心生
                                                                               
,所以我想,那大概是因為她的心一直都乾淨地像個孩子。
                                                                               
                                                                               
某本漫畫中有個角色叫「笑面修羅」,臉看起來很溫和,但是卻
                                                                               
是反派,我想Mei也是一個這樣的人,外表跟內心差很多。她外
                                                                               
表糊塗和善,像個天真的孩子,但她的內心熱情偏激,有某一部
                                                                               
份像一顆陳年的老繭。
                                                                               
                                                                               
能言善道,卻常常躲起來抽好幾個小時的菸,一句話都不說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她比誰都能看透世情,卻又比誰都放不下。
                                                                               
                                                                               
強烈的直覺,難以解釋的憂鬱。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她長得乾淨,就像路上一般常見的女生,大眼睛,小嘴巴,長頭
                                                                               
髮,動不動就笑。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「可是你不開心。」我說。「你的眼睛有時候看起來不開心。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei看著我,露出整排好看的牙齒。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「噓,不要跟別人說。」她說。「這就像魔術師的秘密,不能隨便透漏。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei說她很羨慕我,因為很多人愛我。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「可是我沒有媽媽,也沒有爸爸。」我說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei拿出煙盒,熟練地在膝蓋上敲了敲,我發現她換了一個新的打火機。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「寶貝,有沒有人愛你,跟有沒有爸媽是兩回事。」她說:「有時候
                                                                               
,別人用錯了方法愛你,比不愛你還慘。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我不喜歡Mei叫我寶貝,我知道,當她這樣叫我的時候,就是她想掩飾
                                                                               
某些情緒的時候。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「你們育幼院的氣氛很好,我喜歡。」她對我眨眨眼。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我不喜歡故作放浪的Mei,我看見她某些不小心掉落滿地的脆弱。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「Mei,為甚麼你總不開心。」我說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我沒有。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
她看著我,沒有笑,也沒有不笑:「我只是沒有開心。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
燃盡的煙灰落到她手背,她痛呼著用力甩掉。「媽的。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei每星期來看我三次,每次一個下午。跟之前的復健師相比,她做的
                                                                               
事情很少,但對我的幫助最大。
                                                                               
                                                                               
只有她能讓我乖乖聽話。
                                                                               
                                                                               
別的復健師會扛著我的身體,逼我運動我的雙腿,他們好言相勸我許
                                                                               
多道理,一再保證我只要忍耐就可以撐過去,可以跟以前一模一樣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
他們讓我心煩意亂。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Mei不會。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「我不騙人。」她說。「只要你乖乖聽話復健,以後快走絕對沒問題
                                                                               
,但是你這輩子別想劇烈運動。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我當時呆住了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她看著我,眼睛紅紅的,但是表情就像在閒話家常。「嗯,你可以游
                                                                               
泳,不過記得要把義肢拆下來。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我沒有哭,讓Mei很生氣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
「你哭啊,小孩子這麼逞強幹嘛?我特許你哭一次!」她說。「肩膀借你。」
                                                                               
                                                                               
我搖搖頭,不知道該怎麼回答,從來沒有人對我說這麼直接的話。
                                                                               
                                                                               
那只是一次小車禍。
                                                                               
                                                                               
結果,哭的是Mei。
                                                                               
                                                                               
她的心底住的那個心地善良的小孩,總在她情緒崩潰的時候出現,撕裂她
                                                                               
平日掩飾良好的溫文儒雅。
                        &

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